Ask Hua Li #15 – Let’s talk about anal fisting, baby

August 6, 2014     / / / / / /

hua li

Hua Li is an indie hip-hop artist by night, jazz vocal teacher by day, and 24/7 badass. Every other Wednesday (a.k.a., Hump Day) she releases a new edition of “Ask Hua Li,” Radio Cannon’s sex column for the post-queer, the pre-queer, and everything in between. Ask her an anonymous question at the bottom of this post.

Dear Hua Li,

What are your thoughts on anal fisting?

Sincerely,

Not Quite Gaping

Dear NQG

To be completely honest, I don’t have many of my own thoughts on anal fisting, since I have personally neither been fisted nor have I ever facilitated a fisting, anal or otherwise. In fact, my preferences happen to lie far enough away from fisting that when I watched this cute white girl in the grade below me in high school put her fist in her mouth I responded with at least 20% revulsion. There is something I find a little aesthetically displeasing about seeing a wrist coming out of a sex-hole, like I just want to scream out, “Oh my god, that is so much hand in there!” Disregarding my own preferences, Ask Hua Li is all about delving deep into sex’s most challenging conundrums, so I sought out the advice of #BenettonMob’s very own sex shaman for some words on anal fisting:

Hua Li (HL): I think the thing I’m most curious about it is how anal fisting happens. Do you find it takes some premeditation?

Sex Shaman (SS): I would say there are two types of anal fisting. There is planned fisting and there is accidental fisting. Personally, I find accidental fisting more intimate and exciting than planned fisting.

HL: How does accidental fisting happen?

SS: Normally it happens when your penis is large enough that it creates, already, an ample opening in the anal sphincter. So when you get plowed over and over, your hole gets bigger and so eventually the person wants more and more, but your penis (well, my penis) is not the size of a fist, so that’s the next place to go. Usually the person who can be fisted, actually, in my experience, does not have control over their sphincter, so they completely let go in that moment – you have to fully let go in order to be fisted, so people who have control, or who are very controlled, experienced bottoms – in order to fist them, they have to really want it. Accidental fisting usually happens with a person who is generally a top by circumstance, but by choice would likely bottom. It happens somethimes that when I top someone, and because I’m a very thorough fuck, I’ll eventually get bored. So I’ll end up fingering them, and then I’ll realize the hole is very open and then I try to see how many fingers I can put in the hole and then I end up with a fist in it.

HL: How do you think it feels to have a fist ‘end up’ in you?

SS: I think if you like big objects inside of you, it would fill you up – it would feel good. I just feel like once you go to fisting, where are you going to go after. Horses?

I feel like I would save fisting for marriage.

HL: I recently read an article about a woman who was saving anal sex for her wedding night because we don’t save anything anymore. I’m totally a romantic about things like this sometimes, but it’s nice to leave that one last barrier uncrossed, I guess. I mean, I feel like I have certain barriers uncrossed for a reason, but – especially if, as you say, you have to completely let go to be fisted. That’s kind of beautiful.

SS: Fisting has a bad reputation because the only depictions of fisting are in porn and it’s usually extreme porn where people are doing it like they’re fucking machines. People are afraid that that’s what’s going to happen to them when they get fisted. As you said, fisting can be beautiful – except for the hurting part. That’s the tough part.

 

Dear Hua Li,

I hate to sound arrogant, but I would say that I’m someone who’s been around the block and back. I’m promiscuous at times, and I’ve experienced a whole variety of different types of relationships with both men and women, so I think I have a good read on what is happening when I’m intimately involved with people. I’m in a phase right now where I’m engaging in casual sex relationships exclusively, and I’ve made that pretty clear to all my partners. Recently when I was having sex with one of my partners, he told me he was in love with me. My gut-feeling is that he is not really in love with me, but in love with my dick. I would like to tell him this so he can learn about this aspect of intimate relationships but I don’t know how. What do you think?

Concerned Silver Fox

Dear CSF,

I would like to start by saying that I think you should reconsider your position in this situation. I absolutely think you should be honest with your partner about your own feelings in your relationship and you should be upfront about your past experiences and your intuition. However, I think going into an emotionally charged conversation with your partner with the attitude that you are their opportunity to learn something about themselves is a little presumptuous. I would suggest keeping this in mind and being respectful about honouring your partners feelings regardless of either of your past experiences.

Your question, CSF, does bring up some interesting points. Why does orgasm make our hearts feel so good? I have said time and time again that I could never fall in love with someone who couldn’t consistently keep me engaged and excited in bed. And the sub-text of that statement is, if they can’t keep me cumming, I can’t keep the love coming. Obviously love relationships have to do with things other than sex, but I want to take a look at how sex plays into our feelings of love and attachment, and by sex, I really mean, our brains during sex.

At it’s most scientific and least romantic level, when you tell someone you love them, you’re really telling them that you’re a dopamine addict. Dopamine is the neurochemical that activates our reward center, and our reward center drives a lot of our behavior. When we do things that we need to do for the survival of our species, like eat or drink water or achieve goals or fuck that super hottie on your neighbour’s fire escape during a summer thundershower, our reward center is activated. When you get a hankering for a big fat slice of strawberry cheesecake, or when your genitals start tingling when you hear a peal of thunder, you are actually craving dopamine (which is not to say that cheesecake and sex are not delicious in their own rights). When it comes to dopamine, most of us are Pavlovian dogs.

Another chemical that is released in the brain during orgasm is oxytocin, also known as the “bonding chemical”. Mothers get flooded with oxytocin during labour, which causes them to form a bond to their children, and partners bond to each other as a result of oxytocin, too. Oxytocin is released in both sexes when we hug, touch, give each other orgasms or generally are physically affectionate with one another. Often therapists recommend fighting couples to make a point to cuddle after sex to stimulate oxytocin production. Oxytocin also acts as a natural tranquilizer, so you might potentially end up in a cuddle even if you didn’t plan it that way.

So CSF, I’m sure if you’re serving your partner that good dick, it’s very possible that it has contributed to their feelings for you. It’s hard for us to discern the difference between our response to the complex chemical reactions in our brains that take place during orgasm and the feelings that being intimate with a suitable and respectful long-term partner stir in us. In many ways, dopamine and oxytocin are big players in all love or sex (or love and sex) situations, because in many ways, humans are just dumb addicts and things are rarely as complicated as we make them out to be.

 

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