Ask Hua Li #14 – Why you don’t need labiaplasty to love your beef curtains

July 3, 2014     / / / / /

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Hua Li is an indie hip-hop artist by night, jazz vocal teacher by day, and 24/7 badass. Every other Wednesday (a.k.a., Hump Day) she releases a new edition of “Ask Hua Li,” Radio Cannon’s sex column for the post-queer, the pre-queer, and everything in between. Ask her an anonymous question at the bottom of this post.

Dear Hua Li,

Labiaplasty has ruined my sex life. Before finding out that pussy plastic surgery was even a thing, I never really thought much about how my genitals looked. I didn’t even know how they looked because I had never bothered to take a hand mirror and have a look around until it occurred to me that women are actually having surgery to make their genitals look better. Turns out I’m terrified by the appearance of my vagina. I have trouble enjoying oral sex now because when I see someone go down there I can’t help but think of my initial shock upon seeing my pussy lips for the first time. It’s really hard for me to enjoy sex now because I feel like the guys that I’m having sex with are doing so out of pity or despite my crazy looking genitals. What can be done?

Insecure Beef Curtains

 

My dear IBC,

I think labiaplasty is one of the biggest shames to ever emerge from the overall shameful cosmetic surgery world. As if it wasn’t bad enough that women are constantly inundated with impossible beauty standards that manifest in neurotic desires to inject silicone in their asses and cheekbones, have the fat vacuumed out of them and their faces stretched into their hairlines, they now get to internalize anxieties about the precious, magical cove of sweet, succulent pleasure that is their pussy.

Okay, so I’m a big fan of female genitalia, but, IBC, it wasn’t always this way. I saw my first vagina at the age of ten when I took my non-English speaking grandmother to a specialist appointment to check something with her bladder. I used to take my grandmother to all sorts of doctor’s appointments but this one in particular stuck out because after I had vacated the room to allow my grandmother to change into a hospital gown, I reentered only to be met by her bare genitals staring me right in the face. Seeing your own grandmother’s vajay is definitely not the best introduction to female genitalia. The image was burned in my mind for years and when I eventually had my sexual awakening, I had a feeling that it would be impossible that anyone might want to make any sort of connection to my genitals if they looked anything like my grandmother’s and despite my mounting curiosity, I avoided ever grabbing a mirror and taking a look. While my partners generally seemed pleased to take a face-first-tongue-out-tour around my vulva, I still couldn’t help but wonder if my pussy was pretty or appalling. It made for some pretty self-conscious sexual encounters, which I later learned was only preventing me from having the earth-shattering orgasms I deserve.

Eventually, I would have the vulva-confidence breakthrough I had been coveting. After a considerable amount of exposure to other women’s genitals (in porn, photographs and IRL) I got used to the idea that our bits are delightfully diverse and beautiful in their own strange and completely singular ways. It was easier for me to appreciate what other people had to offer than it was for me to appreciate what I had between my legs, but appreciating others taught me how to better appreciate myself. Even still, I would often get a little fright when I took at look at my own genitals. The ultimate game-changer for me was meeting a partner that emphatically expressed to me how attractive they found my pussy. It’s one thing to have someone go down on you and get the sense that they’re having a good time, but it’s another to have a partner describe to you in detail what it is exactly, they find aesthetically pleasing about your sex.

I really feel for you, IBC, and I hope you take some time to do some research on pussies. Look at pictures of them, look at real ones if you’re comfortable with that (and the person showing you their kitty cat is comfortable with it too!) watch a variety of porn, flip through the 101 Vagina coffee book. Do whatever you need to do get over your assumptions about what is normal or attractive and learn to love your pussy! And for anyone that ever has an opportunity to interact sexually with someone with a vagina – please do take the time to let your partners know that their pussy is truly something special.

Ask Hua Li a sex question in the box below. The form will retain nothing of your identity and any text you enter will not be displayed here.

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